my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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