Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
