i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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