On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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