Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
