I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
