well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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