I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
