I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
