Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
