i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
