I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
