Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
