just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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