Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize