He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
