i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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