the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
