Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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