Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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