so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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