you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
