I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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