I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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