i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
