That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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