wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize