Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just gift wrapped bread.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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