I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
