remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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