God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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