im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am spending my child support on dildos
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
