i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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