I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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