Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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