you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she smelled like a LAN party
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
