the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
