So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
