All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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