i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
