I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize