we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
