fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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