The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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