they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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