So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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