Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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