Sorry, I don't speak sober.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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