His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I would ride that face into the sunset
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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