if only i could text you this smell
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
