I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
