We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
