Jerry, you need to find god
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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