They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize