Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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