just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the day after is always just damage control
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
