She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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