Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
