the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
